Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and WB own these guys not me unfortunately. I make no money from this effort, sigh!

Control and Restraint
by Cassie (bcassieangel at aol.com / (feedback would be helpful as this is my first fic, let me know what you think, but please be gentle!)

Pairing: Wes/Angel (Wes/Lilah implied)

Rated: NC-17 - graphic m/m sex and some strong language

Spoilers: Poss. spoilers, mostly spec. until end of S4 - [At least one definite spoiler for episodes not yet aired as of 20 February, notes the spoilerwhore webmistress]

Warnings: memories of childhood abuse and lots of angst

Summary: None provided.


Angelus had killed Lilah. Up to  that time Wesley would never have acknowledged his feelings either for her or Angel.  He hadn't realized it at the time of course, had thought it was just sex, the need to touch and be touched, to feel something... anything.  Angelus had known.

Funny how the demon seemed to know his innermost feelings and yet Angel appeared blissfully unaware of things, of emotions that were right in front of him.  Perhaps it was deliberate on the vampire's part, ignore it and it might go away.  Pretend he didn't notice the ex-Watcher's infatuation with him and Wes would what?  Forget about him, move on?  He should have done, only Wesley couldn't forget and wouldn't allow himself to move on.  Angelus had known, Wes had loved Lilah, but he would always love Angel more.

The Englishman had thought he was in control of his emotions, had cocooned himself safely deep inside where he couldn't be hurt anymore.  Somehow Lilah had managed to slip under his defenses unnoticed, that is, until she was gone

She was the only person who had seen him, Wesley Wyndam Pryce, his pain and desires exposed, his soul naked stripped of polite pretence and he had loved her.  He hadn't thought her capable of love and certainly not for him; he had thought it was just a game they played, toying with one another control passing from one to the other.  A pleasant distraction from the ugliness that had become their lives.  He had become so wrapped up in the game that he hadn't realized that they weren't playing anymore, they loved one another.

Had he been paying attention, he would have been shocked to discover he was still in the possession of the capacity to love and deserving of it in return.  Lilah, for all her inherent evil, had reached into the darkness that had enveloped his soul and had rescued him, shown him his own humanity through her lack of it.  He had discovered he was still a decent man, a little damaged around the edges, but essentially good.  She had saved him and he had never considered it love at the time, he hadn't told her he loved her and now he never could.

Angelus was smart, smarter than Wes.  The demon had known how Wesley had felt about her even though the ex-Watcher had been in denial... had cast her aside.  Angelus had murdered her and gift wrapped her body with the added touch that Wesley would have to behead her - mutilate the object of his affections to save what couldn't be saved - her soul.  It was his karmic punishment.

Angelus, he realized, had probably just seen it as an amusing practical joke, or maybe the demon was acting out Angel's own repressed hatred and need for vengeance.  Wesley had taken the vampire's son to protect them both, Angelus took Lilah, only unlike Connor, she would never return.  Angelus, it seemed had a poetic sense of justice.

The demon had found the chink in Wesley's armor, his unknowing fondness for the beautiful but twisted lawyer.  He had probably taken great delight in killing her and the Englishman had briefly wondered when he would be next, or if like Angel, the demon would wait and perversely enjoy making him sweat.  Wesley wasn't that kind of man anymore, he had refused to passively await his fate.  He hadn't feared death, if it came he would gladly welcome it, after all, his life for the most part had been filled with pain of one sort or another.  The only time he'd been truly happy, was the time he spent with Angel, before Fred and Connor had confused and messed everything up.

He loved Angel above everything and everybody else and apparently he always had, even now he would die for him and he wouldn't even need to ask.  His father was right, he was weak and pathetic and yet, he had helped save mankind.  He wasn't the total loser his over critical father insisted he was, after all, how many people could honestly claim to have had a hand in averting an apocalypse?  His damn father couldn't, but Wesley Wyndam Pryce could

Now that things were relatively back to normal again, Angel's soul returned, Angelus forceed back under the surface to watch and wait for his next opportunity, Wesley finally broke and wasn't it poetic that it was Angel who put him back together again.

Wes stayed at the Hyperion hotel, too bone tired to go anywhere else.  It had been a long day and he was finding it difficult to remember a time when he had felt relaxed and refreshed.  Evidently, there really was no rest for the wicked.  Evil never slept and he had unfortunately concluded neither did those calling it was to fight it.  The latest demon of the week had been vanquished, compared to the Beast and it's Master it had been quite simple.  Gunn and Fred, even Angel had been triumphant and yet Wesley felt empty, unable to find even a small amount of comfort in this victory.  The struggle of Good over Evil would continue unabated and not for the first time he wondered if the personal cost was worth it.  He sometimes questioned why he had never given up the fight, called it a day and gone home, said sorry to the PTB's, but he didn't want to be a participant in their sick blood sport anymore.  The sad truth was he didn't really have anything in his life but his work.  His father the bastard, had taught him that the fight was the only thing that mattered and Wesley had learnt the lesson only too well, his teacher a cold and detached childhood.

His father was an expert at emotional distance, only ever enthusiastic about how much Wesley was a disappoinment.  Even when Wesley was a child his father had mostly been an icy and aloof figure.  When he was young he accepted the normality of it all, that's how people were meant to be with him.  He had, however, watched how affectionate other parents were with their children and had wished he was worthy of that kind of pure unconditional love, but clearly he wasn't good enough, had been reminded of this countless times... had it beaten into him.  According to his father, 'his boy' was only good for one thing.  He couldn't remember when his father had developed a deviant interest in him, he'd been very young at the time and like everything else, he had surmised it was normal; after all, his father was a highly regarded member of the vaunted Watcher's Council.  The young Wesley had almost grown accustomed to being largely ignored by his father, grateful in fact as the alternative, his father touching him and playing secret games whilst his mum slept, was much too painful and had made him yearn to be invisible again.

Wes closed his eyes blinking away tears, that was another lesson his father had drilled into him, 'real men don't cry'.  He forced the memories of his childhood back into the farthest recess of his mind; repression had always been his closest friend.  He wondered why after all the beatings and abuse he had suffered he cared about what the bastard thought of him anyway.  Even now he still craved his father's respect; he still wanted to make him proud.  He sighed heavily, he was too exhausted to handle any of this now, he should just lie down and rest.

The hotel room was fairly delapidated, but it had a bed and Wesley just wanted to lose himself in sleep.  He pulled off his clothes and carelessly threw them to the floor, God he was tired.  Nothing seemed to matter to him anymore, he should feel relieved he had escaped the apocalypse relatively unscathed, physically at least.  He should feel grateful he told himself.  He pulled back tattered blankets and crawled into bed, he should feel... something.  Thousands of people had suffered and died, Lilah had died and he felt - numb.  God, he was so very tired.

He would, however, dutifully carry on the mission; help the helpless... help Angel.  And yet, after all that had happened between them, Wes still loved the vampire, couldn't stop even if he had wanted to.  Angel, for the longest time had occupied the first and last thoughts of Wesley's waking hours.  It was almost amusing then, that the only emotion he still seemed capable of was love for a dead man who would never love him back.  The vampire, it appeared, could only just tolerate his presence.  Wes hadn't failed to notice how Angel kept a guarded distance, watching him when he thought Wes wasn't looking, but turning away before they could make any kind of eye contact.  Wesley had never really hoped that Angel might cherish and desire him in return, fantasized about it of course, but had never thought he had any chance in reality.  Now he wasn't even Angel's friend, he thought bitterly, he had lost that bond when he lost Connor.  The ex-Watcher closed his eyes and willed his mind to silence, he reached over and turned off the bedside lamp and tried to sleep, but it eluded him.  He gave up on the idea when he heard the dawn chorus, mentally cursing; he silently dressed and made his way downstairs. He grabbed his bag from where he had abandoned it on the ottoman that previous night and headed for the lobby's front entrance.

Angel had been sitting in his darkened office trying to stay awake.  His dreams brought back memories and feelings he didn't want to deal with now, there was time for that later... a lot of time.  He had done so much, hurt so many people, people he cared about... and then there was Wesley, Christ Wesley!  He tried to not think about Wes the most - tried very hard.  Wes had changed so much over the last few years, from someone who was over anxious to please, to a bitter shell of a human being who no longer gave a damn.  Angel felt in his unbeating heart, it was his fault.

Once the Englishman's blue eyes had been sparkling with an almost boyish innocence and Angel could actually recall hearing Wesley's heart speed up whenever Angel gave him even the tiniest amount of praise.  Those blue eyes were now like ice, cold and hard more dead than his own and it wounded Angel.  It was Wesley's eyes that first captivated the vampire, so full of childlike wonder and vulnerability that even the false bravado and pomposity could never hide it for long.  Angel had fallen in love with Wesley Wyndam Pryce, but he'd been too wrapped up with lawyers and prophecies to notice.

Then there was Darla.  That was everything got so royally fucked up.  He'd fired Wes, told himself it was to protect the ex-Watcher, Angel was falling and he hadn't wanted Wes to fall with him.  He was being cruel to be kind, Wes would be hurt but at least he'd be alive.

All things considered, the fiasco that had ensued hadn't been a complete tragedy, Angel had nearly gone insane and had tried to lose his soul during the whole debacle, nevertheless, Wesley had blossomed.  The Englishman had become the man Angel knew he could be.  Angel had seen his potential and had tried to encourage and nurture it, of course then he had sacked him, but Wes surprised even Angel by finding strength deep within himself and bouncing back stronger.  Wesley had found a confidence not only in himself, but in his friends and his place in the world, he finally seemed comfortable with his life.  Angel had been so proud, was going to tell him and then his world turned upside down.  He was a father.

Connor had changed everything.  He'd pushed everyone aside for his son.  Then he was gone, stolen.  Of course Wes had thought he was doing the right thing, Angel never once doubted that.  That, however, hadn't made it any easier, hadn't dampened the utter rage, the complete sense of betrayal.  He had lost Connor and with him Wesley.

Fortunately, he had still had Cordelia, he had grown very fond of her over the years and if things had been different, it might have become more than merely friendship.  They had cared for one another, but he had realized she could never have filled the emptiness inside of him.  He had wanted his son safely home and he had wanted and yearned for Wesley to return home too.  Although he would always love Cordy, he didn't get that thrill he had always felt whenever he pictured himself making love to Wes.  He wished their lives could have turned out the way he fantasized they could.  They should have been one big happy, if somewhat unconventional, family.  The fucking PTB's had obviously had other plans and the fallout had been spectacular and painful for all involved.

Fate then decided to thrust and twist the knife in a little bit deeper, for just when Angel had begun to think he could attempt to move on and maybe try and have some sort of romantic future with Cordy, Connor came home.  No longer a helpless infant, his son was now a confused and angry young man that was just as lost to him.  It pained him to see the loathing in his son's eyes, the contempt not only for his father, but also for himself as the product of an unnatural union.  He couldn't deny his son's charges, Angel's crimes so easily read on Connor's hate filled face and yet, he was more than his past sins, wasn't he?  Angel was no longer the soulless monster Connor believed him to be; he had tried to show him the man without the demon.  Connor was so filled with his own righteousness, he had refused to see anything but evil in his father, would have condemned him to an eternity of suffering had it not been for Wesley, saving him from his watery tomb.

When he did lose his soul and reverted back to Angelus, he did so with a certain kind of style.  The demon reveled in the misery and death he inflicted, the sweetest pain he saved for his friends and especially Wes.  Angelus delighted in seeing the once gentle and kind ex-Watcher turn ever more twisted and dark and had seriously considered remaking him; he would have made a terrifyingly stunning vampire.  The demon was certain an undead Wesley would have been even more cruel than himself, Wes was so smart... they could have had so much fun together.  Vampire Wes would have eclipsed even Darla and Angelus's most atrocious acts.  The demon was sure Wes would have been quite the artistic sadist and he had enjoyed the fantasy of fucking and killing with such a beautiful creature.

Angelus had been defeated, however, before he could Sire the Englishman, but not before showing him first-hand what horrors he could have looked forward to.  He drained Lilah's body and left it for Wesley to discover, Angelus wished he'd been there to see his face, Angel was eternally grateful he hadn't.  Not that Angel cared for Lilah, but Wes obviously had and that was something Angel and Angelus had in common, they didn't like to share... Wesley belonged to them, whether he realized it or not.  That's why she had to die, to teach Wes where he belonged, who owned him.

Angel didn't know if Wesley would ever be able to forgive him, Angelus had taken the only person that Wes still loved and that had left him all alone and even more vulnerable.  The guilt and anger had driven Wes to the brink of the abyss, a position Angel was all too familiar with and the Englishman, was still teetering on the edge.  Angel wanted to pull him back, but he couldn't bear to see the crushing hurt in the younger man and although he was desperate to save him, to be with him, he didn't know how.  He only knew that Wesley's soul inhabited a very dark and dangerous place and the vampire was afraid to try and reach out for him, because if his dreams were anything to go on, he didn't have purely altruistic intentions.

Angel was avoiding sleep, for in his dreams he was making love to Wes and it was gentle and tender, but then suddenly, he would be standing by the side of the bed unnoticed and it was Angelus, who was roughly fucking Wesley and Wes was moaning with pleasure as the demon drank his fill of him.  The Englishman left drained for Angel to find, gift wrapped and tied up with a pretty red ribbon.  If Angel had any more of those nightmares he would never be able to look at the ex-Watcher again, for if he was honest with himself, he would have admitted to being more than just a little turned on by the images of Wesley, helpless and pleading to be taken, 'harder, oh please God, harder!'  He shook himself out of it and heard a familiar heartbeat advancing down the staircase of the hotel.  It was Wesley, he was going to leave.  Angel knew he couldn't let him go, not this time, not without telling him how he felt, that he was sorry for hurting him and that he loved him.

Wesley briskly walked across the lobby conscious of how foreign the hotel had become to him over the last year.  A lifetime ago it had been his home from home, more familiar than his own apartment and yet now it seemed so alien.  The fittings and fixtures were the same, but their was an indescribable quality that was now so strange, almost like the hotel itself was telling him he wasn't welcome there.  He mentally chided himself, he was being paranoid.  The reason it felt so different now, he mused, was because he had altered so much himself, he wasn't the same man who had called the Hyperion his second home.  In a bizarre way, it was like he possessed the memories of a ghost, memories that had once belonged to the alive Wesley Wyndam Pryce.  He didn't know who he was anymore, he felt so lost.

The ex-Watcher was about to push open the lobby's door when he felt a presence somewhere behind him.  He smiled thinly, he would recognize Angel anywhere - it was something to do with the little hairs that stood up on the nape of his neck whenever the vampire was near, the pleasant tingle at the base of his spine and traveled slowly upwards.  He turned around wearily and greeted the other man.  "Good morning Angel, I hope I didn't wake you."

Angel couldn't help but notice how gaunt Wes had become, there were dark shadows under his eyes and he looked like he hadn't slept in a very long time.  "Nah, s'kay, I was up."  He shifted uncomfortably at the unfortunate double entendre and tried to dismiss the dream images of Wes naked, writhing and begging beneath him.  He closed the distance between them feeling the panic and arousal growing with each step, this was it, now or never, speak now or forever hold your peace.  "Um, Wes..." he began hesitantly,  "I was hoping we could talk..."  And hurriedly added,  "You know, if you have time."

Wes stared at him for a moment before looking longingly at the exit, the decision made, he turned to face the vampire and sighing answered,  "Of course, Angel."

"Ah... good, um, maybe we should sit down."  Angel glanced around the sparse and exposed lobby and added,  "The office is a little less, you  know... airy."  Angel gestured towards the little room and was relieved when Wesley followed him.  Once inside he turned on the light and closed the door behind them.

Wes eyed him warily; he had been waiting for The Talk.  At least, he consoled himself, Angel looked as uncomfortable as he himself felt, but then again, the vampire had never been much of a conversationalist.  "Well Angel, what did you want to discuss?"  He realized how cool that had sounded, but he didn't have the energy for small talk and he hoped if he remained businesslike, he would be able to cover up his own conflicted emotions.

Sitting on the edge of the wooden desk, Angel took a moment to collect his thoughts, he wasn't good at this talking stuff, but this was too important to mess up and he desperately wanted to get it right.  He took a deep unnecessary breath and looking the Englishman straight in the eyes, his resolve strengthened, he finally said,  "Wes, I'm so sorry... for everything."

Wesley blinked; this was so not what he had expected.  Angel was apologizing to him and although he sounded genuine, Wes couldn't help but think this was some sort of warped game.

When Wes just looked at him, confusion and suspicion written all over his face, Angel forced his eyes to remain open and clear and continued,  "I did a lot of things, Wes.  I hurt you, even before I lost my soul.  I was so angry with you, you took my son.  I've been to Hell but losing Connor was so much worse."

Wesley bristled slightly, now this is what he'd been expecting - guilt, blame.  He wanted to act nonchalant but he was too tired and the vampire's pain at losing Connor was something they both shared.  His emotional walls cracked as he remembered how distraught the vampire had been, how used he himself had felt and how pointless it seemed to try and apologize.  The misguided attempt to take the infant away to safety was a mistake that Wes knew had cut the vampire deep and had destroyed his own life in the process.  The burden of guilt weighed heavily on his shoulders and he could no longer deny the depth of sorrow his actions had caused either to Angel or himself.  He couldn't change what had happened, the vampire deserved so much more than an apology, but he supposed it was a start.  He allowed genuine remorse to show as he said,  "I'm sorry."  There was a hitch in his voice as he continued,  "I never meant to hurt you, angel... I was trying to save you and Connor... I believed the prophecy - all the signs... I - I thought you were going to kill him,"  He grew deathly quiet and added,  "I couldn't let you hurt your son."  He waited for Angel's reaction, he wanted it over.

The vampire felt an overwhelming sense of relief not only for the fact that Wesley had actually apologized but for the very real sentiment in his contrition, Wes wasn't emotionally dead after all.  He decided to test the waters, he knew how he felt about the ex-Watcher, but after everything that had happened he was unsure how Wes felt about him.  Angel saw Wesley tense and said softly,  "I know you were only trying to help... I just wish you'd come to me, told me what was going on in that brain of yours, we could have worked it out... you know, together.

There was something in the way the vampire had said 'together' that unnerved the Englishman.  It was almost as though he had meant... Wesley shook his head, he was being ridiculous, just because he loved the vampire it was no excuse for deluding himself; as much as he wished it was otherwise, Angel didn't feel that way for him and never would.

Angel could sense Wesley drawing in on himself. The ex-Watcher was closing himself off, Angel was losing him.  In for a penny in for a pound, the vampire thought wryly.  "Wes, I forgive you, did a long time ago, but you know me... not real big with words."  He smiled weakly at the Englishman and added,  "That's one of the things I love about you Wes, you're so smart."  The smile widened when he heard Wesley's pulse quicken and then the younger man blushed.

Wes cursed himself, one tiny compliment and his body reacted like a lovesick teenager.  God he was pathetic.  He mentally replayed the accolade again and his mind seized on one word.  Surely, Angel hadn't meant for it to come out that way, but before he could stop himself, he had asked it out loud,  "Love?"

"Yeah, Wes... love."  Angel heard Wesley's heart start to pound in his chest and continued,  "I love you - I wanted to tell you sooner, but... I'm not real good with expressing my feelings."  He stood up and gingerly walked towards the other man, the scent of excitement and arousal pulling him forwards until they were just inches apart.

Wesley wanted to process this new information, translate it into a language he was familiar with.  Angel could not be in love with him, he was certain.  It was probably even written down somewhere - a universal truth.

He felt his breath catch as the vampire advanced on him.  He searched Angel's face for any sign of deception,  "Why?"  He couldn't help but ask, he needed a reason.  He had dreamed of this for so long, he needed to know it was real.

"I don't know why, I'm just no good with talking about... ah, emotions and things."  Angel responded.

Confused, Wesley asked,  "What?... No, I meant why do you love me?"

Angel managed to look sheepish,  "Oh, um ... yeah, sorry."  He obviously didn't need to explain his problems articulating the English language, that was self evident.

It amazed him that as intelligent as the ex-Watcher was, sometimes he could be so dumb especially when it came to appreciating his own self worth.  Angel reached out and tenderly caressed the younger man's cheek.  Encouraged that Wesley hadn't backed away, he slowly leaned forward and kissed him.  It was almost chaste.  Afraid of scaring off the English man, he slowly broke the kiss only to feel Wes purse his lips granting Angel's tongue access and Angel, never one to turn down an invitation, greedily accepted.  Barely pulling away from Wes, he smiled provocatively,  "I love you, Wesley."  He began punctuating his answer with tiny kisses pausing only to be sure Wes was listening.  "You're smart... considerate... strong... "  He locked onto Wesley's blue eyes and admitted,  "You're as sexy as hell... I love you, Wes...I want you."  He could feel his erection bulging against his pants and to prove his point, he ground it into the ex-Watcher's pelvis.

The demonstration apparently had the desired effect,  Angel could almost see the near tangible lust emanating from Wes and it spurred him on.  He kissed him more passionately now, deepening the kiss, savoring the experience that he had only previously imagined,  "I want you."  He repeated.

Wesley closed his eyes and surrendered to the hedonistic sensations bombarding him.  The sensuous feeling of Angel's tongue intertwined with his, each seeking out the taste of the other.  He was hyperaware of the vampire's hands inching around to caress the small of his back and the frustrating dance of their hips as they each tried to ease the growing need for more substantial stimulation.

They kissed for what seemed an eternity.  Angel was now desperate for more, Wesley had silently given his permission but the vampire asked,  "Are you sure?"

Wes could barely contain the hysterical laughter threatening to escape.  He had never wanted anything so badly, he had dreamed of this, jerked off to it.  Finally, he realized Angel needed to hear him want him in return,  "Yes, oh God, yes.  Never - never surer actually."  He stammered breathlessly.

The vampire smiled, clearly satisfied and resumed plundering Wes's hot moist mouth.  His hands roamed lower caressing and cupping Wesley's ass, nice firm ass, he thought salaciously.  Although it had been a fantasy of Angel's to fuck Wes over his desk, he had other ideas, he looked Wes in the eyes intently and said hungrily,  "Upstairs... shower."

All Wes could manage to utter were,  "God, yes!"  Before the world became a blur and he realized Angel was half dragging and half carrying him up the stairs to his room.

Once there, Angel brusquely pushed Wesley against the wall and regarded him much like a cat that'd cornered a mouse.  The vampire was, after all, by his very nature a predator and Wes was his willing prey. The Englishman was breathing hard and the scent of him was rich and heady with expectation and lust.

Wes was definitely willing, but he wasn't a mouse - he wasn't timid, he was too turned on and he wanted this.  He took hold of Angel's pale hand and brought it up to his mouth before he seductively licked his lips and inserted two digits into his eager wet cavern.  He leisurely ran his tongue up the sides of Angel's fingers before flicking his tongue up the inside of the two and then lazily pulled the fingers out and kissed each one.

The vampire was as hard as steel, unable to take his eyes off of the sight, he was so incredibly horny now.  He leaned forward and filled his mouth with Wesley's oh so talented tongue.  He nudged his knee in between the ex-Watcher's legs and again began slowly rubbing, the friction a punishment and a reward all in one.

Wes clung to him and echoed the movement.  "Did you say something about a shower?"  He asked, want and desire obvious in his husky voice.

Angel chuckled and ran his hands up the inside of Wesley's shirt, enjoying the feel of warm skin and firm muscles beneath his fingers,  "Why are you feeling dirty?"  He asked a mischievous glint in his eyes.

The ex-Watcher looked at Angel, bemusement and need dueling for dominance, lust clearly winning replied,  "Oh yes, filthy in point of fact."

The vampire led Wesley to the bathroom, pausing briefly to rain feather light kisses upon his lips.  Once inside, he turned on the shower and provocatively unbuttoned his customary black shirt.  Wes was torn between hurriedly assisting him to strip and just watching, enjoying the show.  Angel sensed the dilemma and shucking his shirt moved towards him and placed Wesley's hands on his chest.  He began devouring Wesley's mouth with an urgent need to possess it, he wanted to memorize every detail of that wet orifice and each response Wes made when he nibbled or sucked on his lips and tongue.

Wesley decided he had waited too long for this and took control.  His hand began moving of it's own volition, roaming over Angel's chest until it found it's target, he gently brushed his thumb over Angel's nipple and immediately it hardened.  He broke their kissing and covered the swollen nub with his mouth, first licking it and then softly exhaling hot air over it.

Angel moaned as Wes suckled on his nipple and the nipped, the sensation made the vampire buck forward and he let out an involuntary growl.  He tore Wesley's shirt off, heedless of cascading buttons and ripped fabric.  He wanted Wes now!  The rest of their clothes hastily followed, left rumpled and discarded in a heap on the floor as they stepped into the small shower cubicle.  The vampire took a minute to appreciate the other man's body, lean but muscular with an attractive light covering of soft brown hair.  He let his fingers caress the firm torso loving the way it felt and how Wes reacted, arching into the touch and sighing softly.  The water was invigorating and added to the sensuous interplay of skin touching skin and Wes looked fucking hot when wet, Angel decided admiring the view.

The ex-Watcher took the initiative and circled behind Angel and trailed a line of kisses down his back.  Kneeling he began to lick and suck on the vampire's thighs moving upwards until he was kissing the welcoming crevice.  He gently spread Angel, devilishly running his tongue up just skirting his opening, delighting as he felt the other man squirming from his attentive ministrations

Angel for his part, braced himself against the cold hard tiles, now this was a blissful agony, slow and exquisite.  He forced himself to remain out of game face; it was sheer might that prevented him from turning around and slamming his cock into Wesley's gifted mouth.  Instead he focused on the sensation of Wes's breath against him and the velvety feel of his tongue as it finally lapped at his opening, aware that the only words flowing from his mouth were unintelligible babbles.

Wesley let his tongue swirl around the tight orifice, dipping in only a fraction at first before withdrawing and wickedly circling round once more.  When he entered again he went deeper, Angel instinctively pushed backwards trying to get Wes to fuck him with his tongue.  Although this heightened Wesley's own desire, his cock dripping with anticipation, he pulled out.

Angel had no doubt now, Wes would make a brutal torturer.  The loss of contact almost caused him physical pain and Wes, he was sure, was reveling in the power.

While the vampire waited, Wes located a bottle of baby oil, forcing himself to ignore the connotations it; he liberally poured the contents into his hand and began to prep the older man with one finger.  It seemed surreal, he had his finger inside Angel and the vampire was writhing and moaning and Wesley was the reason, the one giving Angel this pleasure.  Wes removed his finger and began stroking his own hard shaft lavishly smothering it in oil while he watched Angel tense with expectation and want.

If it wasn't for the fact he was already dead, Angel was sure the waiting would have killed him.  Wes was teasing him, bringing him to the edge and then pulling him back again.  "You're not exactly a virgin with men, are you?"  He couldn't help but ask.  When Wes didn't reply Angel started to turn around only to find himself roughly shoved against the wall.  There was fire and a long held hurt in Wesley's eyes and Angel figured it was a discussion for another time.  "S'kay, Wes... I just meant you're good at this... real good."  He gave the Englishman his most sincere smile and subconsciously closed his eyes and lowered his head, letting Wes read his need in his submissive posture.

Wesley's anger abated at the praise, lust replacing it, he started to lovingly fondle the vampire's ass before gradually sliding his cock in, savoring the feeling as the cool passage opened up as he went deeper.  He stopped when his full length was buried all the way inside, he concentrated trying to control the surging heat coursing through his body threatening to overpower him, he wanted this to last.  He held firmly onto Angel's hips and began gently rocking, barely moving, massaging the other man's prostate with each tiny thrust.

"Jesus, Wes!"  Angel could feel himself growing close, he tried to pull forwards so he could ram himself backwards onto that delicious hot cock, but Wes held him steady in a vice-like grip and he surrendered.

Wesley continued the agonizingly small movements taking great delight in each moan and gasp that escaped the vampire's mouth.  His own arousal was like a blazing inferno slowly consuming him, yet he fought it, focusing instead on pleasuring his lover.  With his right hand, Wes reached round and clasped Angel's erection, skimming the sensitive skin he began to mirror the rhythm of his lovemaking.

Angel panted instinctively,  "Wes, I'm... gonna... come!"  If the vampire had hoped this would encourage Wes to speed up, he was wrong, Wes actually slowed down.  Angel wished he could die.  The pressure building up inside of him increased to the point that his head felt like it would explode.  When he came it was so intense he couldn't tell if it was with pleasure or pain.  He let out a howl and called Wesley's name while jerking like a man possessed.

After a few minutes the convulsions eased up and he collapsed into Wesley's arms, his legs losing the strength to hold him up.  When he had recovered sufficiently, he turned around and kissed Wes fiercely.  He noticed the other man's still swollen and erect member and realized he hadn't yet climaxed.  He grinned and said pointedly,  "I think we'll have to do something about that."  Angel dropped to his knees in between Wesley's legs and lightly started stroking Wes's long beautiful shaft before wrapping his mouth around it and tonguing it lovingly.  He had fantasized about sucking off the former Rogue Demon Hunter ever since he had first seen him garbed in tight leathers - trying to look dangerous, it had been one of his favorite images to jerk off to.  He wanted Wes to come for him, taste him sliding down his throat, feel the sweetly bitter fluid warm his insides.

Wesley screwed his eyes shut as the feel of Angel's cool mouth enveloped him, he threaded his long fingers through the vampire's thick dark hair and willed himself to look down.  Angel was on his knees to him as if in prayer, his head bobbing up and down, his tongue swirling around the underside of his cock and taking him ever deeper.  The ex-Watcher failed to stifle a frustrated cry, he was desperate to come, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't find release.  His control was so firmly entrenched that he didn't know how to let go, was terrified he wouldn't be able to stem the flow of emotions if his restraint weakened.

Angel had grown hard again, the sound of Wes so horny and needy had revived his own arousal and although the blowjob was electrifying, he wanted to bury himself in Wes's hot ass.  He removed his lips and placed a single kiss on the tip of Wesley's cock.  He stood up and leered at the younger man,  "I wanna be inside you Wes... I wanna watch your face as you come,"

Wes bit his bottom lip muffling the sound  of a lamented whimper when the vampire ceased his oral massage.  The image of Angel inside him quickly soothed away any disappointment, he wanted to be fucked.  He hungered for the feel of Angel's firm cock as the vampire rode him hard.  There was a slight problem, however, and the Englishman gave Angel a quizzical yet playful look.  "Won't that be a bit difficult in here, it's a little small."

"I wouldn't say that."  Replied Angel glancing down at his own erection.  He grinned at Wesley letting him know he had understood what he had meant.  The tiny shower cubicle didn't afford a lot of room for maneuver.  There wasn't enough space to lie down so the missionary position was out, but fortunately he had another idea.  He sprinkled his own cock with the oil and began working it in.  "One of the benefits of making love with a vampire... "  He suddenly hoisted Wes into the air with one arm around his waist,  "Is we're very resourceful... "  He wrapped Wes's legs around his own waist and with his free hand massaged Wesley's opening with his oil slicked fingers,  "And strong."  Feeling the tight ring of muscle relax around his fingers, Angel replaced the digits with his cock, inching in until he was sheathed in the tight hot channel.  He watched rapt as Wesley threw back his head and moaned loudly.  God, Wes  was sexy he thought as he leaned forward and ravished the younger man's mouth in a searing kiss.  He began to lift Wesley's hips up and down, relishing the sensation as he impaled Wes on his cock repeatedly.  He responded to the other man's desperate cries by quickening the pace and adding a slight swivel to the movement, thrilling at the wanton expression on Wes's face.

The Englishman dug his fingers into Angel's back and felt his control slipping away.  He was very close, he could feel the heat rising up, spreading like wildfire throughout his body, his muscles contracting in expectation of approaching orgasm.  "Love you... Angel... don't stop... Oh God... please!"

Angel watched entranced as Wesley's entire body grew flushed and he thrashed about as he neared completion.  "C'mon Wes, don't fight it!  Let go... I love you... Come for me."  The vampire gazed into Wesley's blue eyes, now glazed and unfocused and pictured he and Wes doing this forever.  "You're mine."  He purred, pride and love obvious in his voice.  With that one statement of affection and devotion Wesley came.  He spasmed in Angel's arms and with that further stimulation the vampire climaxed with him.  Somewhat shakily. Angel set Wesley down.

The ex-Watcher felt uncomfortably open, his feelings confused and completely exposed.  There was something wrong, he didn't know what but he could sense it.  His head was spinning, he felt disorientated.  He searched inside himself for answers but the walls he used to protect himself had crumbled.  He felt helpless and vulnerable like he was as a child.  He suddenly felt sick.

The vampire was in that warm and hazy post-coital afterglow, he reached over and caressed Wesley's ass.  "That's my boy."  He cooed.

Wesley froze horrified.

He backed away from Angel until he was pressed against the tiled walls.  Tears stung in his eyes, he couldn't stop them now.  He couldn't stop the avalanche of memories and emotions now that they had overpowered him, he was falling.

Wes slumped down into the corner of the shower curling up in a fetal position, the sobbing once it came was heart wrenching and unstoppable.  Angel who had been so taken aback as to be momentarily paralyzed, crouched down beside him and tried to put his arms around the distraught man to comfort him.

Wesley visibly flinched and cried out,  "Don't touch me!"

The confused vampire floundered, he looked helplessly at Wes.  "It's 'kay, Wes... I'm here, I'm not gonna hurt you... I love you."  He tried to remain calm, tried to sound soothing.  He had no idea what was going on and he was scared, because Wesley looked terrified.  Instinctively, he placed his hand on Wesley's arm hoping the gesture would reassure Wes.

"Take your fucking hands off me!"  Wes lashed out wildly screaming,  "Don't touch me!  You bastard, don't fucking touch me!  I hate you!"  He cast around like a trapped animal desperate for escape.

Angel backed away at Wesley's outburst, shocked by the pain and vehemence.  He tried to make sense of what was happening, one minute they were making love, the next Wes was screaming he hated him.  He had never seen Wes lose it, never.  Wes had always changed the subject if he was upset, he had always been so stoic.  Angel had seen how close Wes had come to the brink of the abyss, the pain that was bubbling under the cool exterior, for whatever reason Wes had now gone over the edge.  Trying to make Wes feel safer, Angel moved away slightly.  He kept his voice low and steady,  "Talk to me Wes... "  He begged,  "I wanna help, what's going on?"

Wesley couldn't hear him, hysterical now, he began pummeling the vampire screaming,  "I hate you!... I hate you!"

Angel let Wes hit him, he didn't know what else to do.  He just kept repeating,  "I love you, Wes... everything's gonna be okay, I promise." 

The sobbing eventually lessened, at last, his energy spent the Englishman slouched down in the corner, all the emotion sapped from him he looked utterly defeated.  Careful to keep enough distance between them, Angel turned off the shower and grabbed a towel gingerly wrapping it around Wesley's shoulders.  Wes had stopped crying but was now staring vacantly into space, Angel didn't know which scared him more.  "Wes, I don't know if you can hear me... " Angel began,  "But - but I'm here for you.  Whatever this is about, I wanna help you... just talk to me, okay?"  He pleaded,  "Please!"

It was the plaintive tone that caught Wesley's attention.  Someone had said something to him.  He looked at Angel and for the first time since this began actually seemed to see him, his voice so hushed Angel needed to use his vamp hearing to pick it up, asked,  "Why did he do it?"

Angel groped blindly for a context.  He stared blankly back at Wes, unable to answer when he didn't understand the question.  Wes looked so lost, so little and fragile now.

"I was just a child."

The vampire's eyes widened as realization dawned, his father, Wes was talking about his dad!  Wesley rarely spoke of his parents and grimly Angel started to suspect why.  "Talk to me, Wes..."   He implored softly,  "I love you so much... let me help."

Wesley closed his eyes, firmly back in the present now; he needed an answer - a reason.  Years of pent up emotions had been released and he felt emptier than ever, all that remained were questions.  "Why did he do it, Angel?"  His voice was so small,  "I was a child... I was his son, fathers aren't supposed to hurt their sons... I just wanted him to love me, be proud of me... Why did he do it?... Why did he rape me?"

Angel could feel his own rage boiling inside, he forced it down and shook his head sadly,  "I don't know... Wes I'm so sorry."  If ever he met the bastard he swore to himself, he would  do things to him even Angelus  would think were cruel.  He cautiously moved up to Wes and embraced him tenderly.  I'm proud of you, Wes...  I love you, I know it's not much, but... "

The ex-Watcher silenced him with a gentle kiss; looking into the eyes of the man he loved Wes softly said,  "Actually that means a great deal to me... I love you too, Angel, I do truly... you believe that, don't you?"

The vampire smiled warmly,  "S'kay Wes, I know... "  He made sure Wesley was listening to him and added,  "And do you know... it wasn't your fault - what your dad did to you... it wasn't, you know - anything you did."

Wes lowered his head incapable of holding Angel's gaze,  "I know."  He almost whispered,  "I was so ashamed - the things he did, that he made me do... "  He trailed off unable to finish.

Angel held him tighter and shushed him,  "Hey, s'kay Wes, you've nothing to be ashamed of, don't feel guilty it wasn't your fault... Don't blame yourself... blame him, he was a sick bastard."

Angel slowly brought his hand up and caressed Wes's cheek. Seemingly accepting the truth of the statement Wesley responded with a resigned nod, but then a sudden panic gripped Wes and he voiced the fear that had plagued him since childhood.  "Do - do you still love me?... I mean if you don't, if you can't, I - I'll understand."

The vampire gently held Wesley's face so that their eyes met and answered earnestly,  "I love you, Wesley - don't ever doubt that.  I know with everything that's happened things are gonna be rough for a while, but we'll get through together.  I want to be with you, you know, now - forever - as long as you want me... I love you and I'll keep saying it until you believe me, 'kay?

Wesley practically beamed at him,  "Yes."  As quickly as it appeared the panic disappeared as though banished by Angel's words;  Angel loved him, it made him feel warm and giddy.  He no longer felt lost and empty, he felt... happy.  He leaned into his lover's touch,  "Would it be alright if I stayed here... with you?"

Angel kissed him and replied,  "Sure, Wes... as long as you want."  The vampire watched as the Englishman dried himself and made a silent promise to Wes, nobody would ever hurt him that much again;  Angel would make sure of that.  Wesley was his lover, he would protect him.

The ex-Watcher walked over to Angel's bed and climbed in, he patted the empty space next to him and looking at Angel he said almost shyly,  "Please, won't you join me?"  The vampire padded over and slipped in at the side of him.  Wes nestled into him and before falling into an exhausted sleep whispered,  "I love you... my Angel."

The vampire contentedly wrapped his arms around Wesley,  "I love you too, Wes."  He murmured.  Angel kissed the top of Wesley's head and settled down to watch his lover sleep in his embrace.

~~~~


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