I Can't Go There
Summary: Wesley thinks of all the thing he can't do anymore.
Rated: PG. For Slash, and one curse word.
Spoilers/Setting: Some time in late Season Three. I stopped keeping track of the titles. Season 3 of Angel to be safe.
Note: The song is I can't go there. By Kenny Chesney. It spoke total Wes/Gunn. I hope you guys like it. DL the song it's cute. Even if it is sad. Ohh and blah I should mention this is my first compleated try at slash so be nice :) and I expect feedback on this one :) (yes that was my demand for praise). Wesley POV, 3rd person.
Every night he did the same thing. Came home from the library right before they kicked him out, cooked a frozen dinner, and ate, alone. Completely alone; no witty banter from Cordy, no mindless jabbering on about the physics of a taco from Fred, no brooding by Angel. And the one that hurt him the most, no smiling Gunn sitting across from him, the cute dimples showing in his cheeks. It was the thing he looked forward to from the moment he woke up. It was the thing he dreaded when he had to go home and he didn't follow.
He throws his jacket on the floor, missing the chair by about a foot. He doesn't care, he doesn't care about much these days. He'd sit there at the table with cooked goo, waiting for the knock on the door he knows will come. And the person standing there that he doesn't want to see. Only tonight, the knock doesn't come, and he is more disappointed than he lets himself acknowledge. He doesn't like her, and he feels dirty and wrong when she leaves. But for the few hours she's with him at least he's not thinking of him. So tonight he sits, with his TV on, and a book in his hand, his attention on neither. He knows this is not healthy. He knows there is no hope for the two of them. That he'd be better off getting out of this retched hell hole and moving away from all of them. Back to England; perhaps the council would consider taking him back. But he's gotten used to the lackadaisical life style of the Americans. Especially one American.
There he goes again. Thinking about things that are better left alone. Sighing, he gives up on both the TV and the book. He turns the TV off, sets aside the book and moves towards the small radio that Gunn had given him. He knows he should sell it, and with the little left to get rid of, he contemplates it. But it makes him feel closer to him. Like all he has to do it touch a button and recall Gunn's touch. Sometimes he finds himself caressing the buttons, realizing he's been standing there for hours. He flips it on and noise fills the small room. A song is just finished and a new one starts. Wesley moves away reluctantly. Moving to the kitchenette he begins to make a cup of tea when he actually starts paying attention to the song.
"You know that restaurant on highway 1
With the key lime pie that song the sand and the sun
Where we ran in our barefeet
Built a castle on the beach
Just the wind, the rocks, the waves and you and me
I can't go there Cuz that's just too much us
I can't go there I still feel your touch"
Wesley's face pains at this, relating all to well. Before Fred came along he and Gunn had spent their free days out by the water. Just sitting there talking. Playing in the sand. Stealing kisses. He hadn't been back to the beach since the last day. Everyone thought the tension between the three of them was because he had wanted Fred to himself. He had never been interested in her. Truth be told he could barely tolerate her before Gunn showed a sudden interest. It still hurt to recall the times he and Gunn had spent alone; the late night drinks, the kisses tasting of sweet alcohol on both parts, the soft touches.
"Theres places in my heart and head that feel as empty as our bed
So most nights i dont even walk upstairs
Cuz I can't go there
I can't go there I still feel your touch"
He sits at the counter listening to the song that could be his life. He had never felt so at ease with someone before. It hurt that with no warning signs Gunn was in love with someone else. And of all people Fred. Did he really need to save people so much that he had to keep the company of a complete ditz? He closed his eyes; it was late and he was tired. But he just couldn't bring himself to lay down on that bed. It had been months since Gunn and the others had kicked him out of their lives, and still it was too much to lay there. He thought about going down to a bar, getting a drink and forgetting he ever heard the name Charles Gunn. But the only place he liked was the bar down the street that he and Gunn had spent many a night playing darts. He couldn't very well go to bed. He wasn't able to sleep there yet, not alone or otherwise. Instead he decided to go for a walk. He picked up his coat from the floor. Sliding it on as he walked out the door. Leaving everything on and the small apartment unlocked. He didn't care about anything anymore. Deep inside he wished he would have died there in the park. What difference did it make to anyone that he was still alive. The only person that really cared now only cared because she needed something. Gunn had come to see him once since he got out of the hospital. He actually had the nerve to ask him to save his new love. And like a chicken shit he'd given him the resolution. He had berated himself for that for nights after. Did he think it would make a difference? That somehow Gunn would see that he was the one he wanted? That he'd drop Fred and come back to him? If it were to happen he certainly wouldn't hold his breath counting the days until it did. He kept walking, past the bar they used to go to. The book store they went to, where Gunn had taught him all about the Marvel universe. He walked past the park where he had almost died. And like that night three months ago he thinks again of Gunn, walking quickly past; he didn't want to think of these things tonight. It might just drive him insane. He walks silently, trying to block out memories of all the places they had been, memories of all the nights they had spent together waiting for some demon to show its face, and the excitement of fighting it side by side. Lost on thoughts of the past he finds himself walking towards the Hyperion. He is a block away now. He resists for a while. Finally he walks closer. He sees Gunn's truck parked in the same place as always. He takes a step towards the door but remembers the look in Gunn's eyes when he looks at Fred. He know he has to let go. Walking in there might get the job done. Lord knows Angel is mad enough to act rash. But is that how he wants it to end? He silently fears that if it were to happen Gunn wouldn't go after the Souled Vampire. He would just shrug his shoulders and turn back to his Texan Cutie, and in the end that would be worse than death. He walks past and to the corner. He's tired now; emotionally, and physically. He thinks maybe tonight he'll get his sleep. Now if he could just find a place where Gunn wouldn't follow him. He gets on the bus humming the song from earlier tonight.
"If it was only Florida or California
Maybe I could let myself move on
But its everywhere we've been
And everywhere I turn I can't love again Cuz i've learned
That I can't go there"