by Sophia (sophiamande at hotmail.com / website: Clarity)
Spoilers: Buffy up to Hell's Bells
Notes: This story is entirely AU for AtS. Spoilers are for Buffy only--all you need to know about Wesley is that he's now living in LA.
Summary: Post Hell's Bells, Xander takes off to find himself.
Xander shows up at my door, his tuxedo a mess. He's shaking, struggling to get the words out. "I'm sorry, Wesley, but I couldn't stay there, not after...and I thought, you know, maybe you don't hate me that much, and--"
"Xander. Stop. Come inside and tell me what's wrong."
"I broke up with Anya."
I look at him strangely. "You weren't--that is--weren't the two of you to be married? Today?"
"Yeah. Funny thing, that. Some demon, some guy she'd done her vengeance mojo on years ago turned up at the wedding and showed me these visions, visions of the sort of life we'd have if I went through with it."
"What did you see?"
"We ended up like my parents--fighting, hating each other, *destroying* each other--she--she wasn't happy with me. And of course, I found out they weren't real, that he was just trying to get back at her. But that didn't really matter anymore..." His voice trails off.
"It didn't?" I ask softly.
"By that time, I'd done some thinking--thinking I should have done a long time ago, about Anya, about me, about--about all my relationships, I guess. I--I loved her--love her--very much. She's everything I want and need in a woman, and yet--I'm not in love with her. I'm not passionate about her. Because if I had been, that demon wouldn't have scared me. I would have known, would have been sure that we would never end up like that. But...I wasn't. To tell the truth, we already felt old and tired out. And whether or not the demon knew anything about the future, I'm afraid we might have ended up that way anyway." Xander fidgets and I motion him over to the couch.
"No, Wes. I--I think there's something wrong with me. Why is it that I can't be happy? I can never just be *happy.* I have this beautiful, wonderful woman who's addicted to sex and completely adores me, and I can't fall in love with her? I can't *be* in love with her?" Xander looks down at his lap.
I reach out and touch his hand. "Xander, there's nothing wrong with you. You can't force yourself to love someone."
He glances up at me. "Wesley, can I ask you a question? It's kinda personal."
"I suppose," I laugh. "I can't guarantee an answer, but you're welcome to try me."
"Are...are you gay?"
I suddenly look down at our still-joined hands. Even though I know there's nothing to be ashamed of, I still hear my father's voice in my ears, calling me a bloody, sodding queer after he caught William and I...
"Yes," I say quietly, looking up.
"I just, I was wondering, because I don't know if maybe I..." Xander glances away, embarrassed.
"Well, Xander," I ask him dryly, "Are you attracted to men?"
He smiles a little, the first one this night, and whispers, "Not until now."
I'm surprised at his response. It's in no way what I was expecting to hear from him. He starts babbling when I don't reply. "I mean, maybe. I don't know. I've been very careful to only be attracted to girls. I--and I've made a complete fool of myself as usual, haven't I? I'll just leave now."
Xander jerks upward and starts to stride toward the door. I stand quickly and place a hand on his arm. "Stay."
Wesley asks me to stay and I'm torn. I turn toward him a little. "You mean you're not...freaked out?"
"No," he laughs. "Flattered, maybe. You really haven't been attracted to other men?"
"Well...What I told you earlier was true--I've been very careful to only be attracted to certain girls. And when I've had...feelings...about men--Angel, Riley, a little, and..." I mumble a little. "...Sometimes even Spike--I passed them off as jokes and then commenced with the venomous hatred. I'm good at that, you know. It's safe."
"What's different tonight?" he asks me.
"I don't know. I guess I'm just sick of pretending. And I've seen where it leads--to breaking Anya's heart, which I never meant to do. But--I think in the long run it would have hurt both of us more to go ahead with the wedding..." I look up at him hopefully, wanting him to confirm that I haven't made yet another horrible mistake.
He nods. "Xander, if you aren't in love with her, you did the right thing in breaking off the engagement. Even if the timing was a bit late."
There's an awkward pause where neither of us knows quite how to continue this conversation. "Well, I guess I'll just be going..." I mumble.
"Xander..." He catches my hand and as I turn back, startled, he smiles shyly. "I--that is, you're exhausted, the rain hasn't stopped, and it's a two hour drive back to Sunnydale. If you even want to go back there tonight. You're welcome to stay here for as long as you need."
I smile back, nodding my head in agreement. "I don't want to be a bother or anything, but that would be great."
"Okay, I'll just get you a towel and you can take a shower. I think I have some pajamas that will fit you." Wesley's in business mode, turning to leave and collect all the things an impromptu overnight guest needs, but I don't let go of his hand. It's been a long day, and I'm feeling daring, and he said he was flattered, damn it. I tug gently.
He turns back, coming up short when he realizes how close our faces are. Our noses collide gently, and suddenly he's kissing me. He tips his face in, there's this spark of something, and our lips are meeting. This isn't like anything I've ever felt before. He has end-of-the-day stubble on his face, and even though the kiss is still gentle, this feels more intense than anything I've done with Anya.
I slide my tongue against his lips and he lets me in. We're all tongues and teeth, and this is the best thing I can imagine. His hand comes around my back, running along my spine, and suddenly it's the new best thing. And I have a feeling that statement is going to be amended a lot tonight.
I bring my hands up to tangle in Wes' hair, and I feel myself being walked backward. My fingers slip down his back to the waist of his pants, pulling at the hem of his shirt desperately. It finally comes loose, and I tug it up, over his shoulders and off. My hands feel hot skin and muscles. Suddenly he's pulling away and stepping back. We're both breathing hard. I look at him questioningly. "Wes? Did I do something wrong?"
"No," he grins. "Not at all. I just wanted to make sure--you're upset tonight, and I want to make sure this is really what you want."
I grin back. "Yeah, Wes, I want this." I reach over and, taking a deep breath, grab his hand and press it against my crotch. "I really want this."
I glance up at his face, trying to see if I've gone too far. Wesley smiles again, and squeezes. My moan is cut off when he presses his mouth against mine, bringing his other hand to my chest and prodding gently, pushing me toward the bedroom. "Bed," he murmurs.
I nod in agreement, and we stumble through the doorway. The backs of my knees hit the bed and I tumble backward, pulling him with me. We hit the bed hard, and I lose my breath for a minute. Wes caresses my cheek with his hand gently, smiling down at me. "You okay?"
"Better than okay," I whisper back, tipping my head up to kiss him again.
Lying here like this, I can feel him pressed up against my thigh. I shift a little, bringing our erections together, and we both moan, loud. We're gasping for air, but we can't stop kissing. Wes reaches behind me and pulls me up so I'm sitting, yanking my shirt off. We start moving faster, more desperately. My hands go to his waist, unbuttoning his jeans and he does the same for me. We get lost in a tangle of clothing for a minute, but then we're both naked and we're on his bed and...oh.
I've never looked at a man like this, never been looked at naked like this by a man. All the parts of him are things I should know, but somehow them being all together on him, on Wes, is different. His tight round nipples, pink and small, and the hair that is scattered over his chest that leads down to...his cock, which is more slender but longer than mine. I reach out hesitantly and run my fingers over the tip, collecting the liquid there and then reaching down the shaft to grasp him firmly. The noises he's making are driving me nuts, and then he reaches down and takes me in his hand.
Suddenly I realize I don't really know how to finish this. Sure, I have a general idea, I know the slot A and the tab B concept--but the specifics, the mechanics--how is he even going to fit in there? Wes must feel me tensing up, because he takes his hand off me and tilts my face up so I'm looking in his eyes. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah, I just--I've never done this before, you know? I'm not--" I stammer.
"Hey," he whispers back. "That's okay. If I do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, just let me know."
I nod dumbly, and he continues. "Tonight we can just stick to touching. We can save the rest for another time, all right?"
I nod again, relieved, and then the last part of his statement registers, the "another time." That makes this warm glow spread through me and I kiss him again, pressing into him so our bare cocks rub against each other. Wes is moaning again and so am I, and his hand has found its way in between us again. He has both of us in his hand, stroking slowly and then faster, and I can feel my orgasm building inside of me. His other hand reaches between my legs and presses right behind my balls, and then moves a little farther back and massages my hole. With a shout, I'm coming, harder than I ever have before. A few seconds later, he's coming too, and then he presses one last kiss against my lips.
We lie together in Wesley's bed, forehead to forehead, still breathing hard. "Wes," I begin. "That was--it was more than I've ever--just--more."
He grins, and I grin back, and we both start laughing. We kiss again, and then we curl up with my head on his chest and his arm circling my back, and fall asleep. Questions and worries and broken weddings can wait until morning.